I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
