When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
