I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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