I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
