My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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