I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
