i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
