her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Edward fifth and chaser hands
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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