Will you blow on my dice?
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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