Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Can I color on your dick again?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
