Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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