If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
