everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
