i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize