I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
this just has baby written all over it
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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