You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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