I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
