Can i not drive my cunt home
I wannas sexs uuuuu
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
