hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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