Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
