Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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