it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize