we have pet lesbian snakes
I will die if light touches me.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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