Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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