oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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