meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
