Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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