Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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