Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
