i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
