Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
