When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
