At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
