im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
