Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
