I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
