I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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