Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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