Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
babies were throwing up all over the place
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
