why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
