I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize