Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
