We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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