I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
