There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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