i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
