My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
