she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize