You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
