Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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