I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
