Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
