Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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