Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
