I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
