***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
