man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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