My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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