I only kidnapped one of them. chill
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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