Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
