if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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