I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
