I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
