Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
