girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
