Betty ford says i'm here all night
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
