I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
