I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
