sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
