don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
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