Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
